Confronting Self Sabotage

I want to address something that isn’t brought up nearly enough. What is keeping you from getting healthy?

I don’t mean things like “I don’t have time.” That’s an excuse, not the reason why. I’m talking the dig deep personal reasons that you are sabotaging every attempt you make at changing your life for the better.

Whether you’re overweight, underweight, it doesn’t matter which end of the spectrum you fall on. If you have goals, if you say you want to change, what’s stopping you?

It took me a long time to realize that I was subconsciously sabotaging myself every time I started to make a change. It was because I was scared. I was absolutely terrified at what would happen if I finally lost the weight.

I’ve always struggled with wanting male attention. It’s all I wanted as a preteen and it only got worse as I got older. However events in my life made me terrified of that attention. I lost a lot of weight in high school and finally got the attention I wanted so badly. Guys liked me and told me so. I got my first real boyfriend at 17. It was also the first abusive relationship I found myself in. I was continually told that if I got fat again he’d leave, because he deserves better. He was already pushing it with me – he could do better.

Eventually I met my ex husband and I ended up gaining all of the weight back and more. Because I had finally gotten what I thought I had always wanted, my priorities got so out of whack. I no longer mattered. After I had my son, all I cared about was my little family. I was going to do whatever it took to keep it together. My husband didn’t share my ambition and resented me for it, so I kept it to myself. My dreams of being a bodybuilder all but disappeared. I stayed busy and forgot who I was.

When my ex and I split after almost six years, I thought my life was over. Not because we were no longer together. But because now I had to face myself. I had hidden my dreams in the back of my mind. They’d been gathering dust and felt so fragile they’d shatter. I couldn’t hide behind the label of wife and mom anymore. I had to discover who I really was deep down, and the thought was terrifying. I wanted that attention again but I was scared of it.

The thought of catching a man’s eye meant that I could get hurt. My fat became my shield. So I held onto it. If I stayed fat, no one would want me so I’d be safe. The pain of being alone was better than the pain I was continually made to feel.

Before I could implement any sort of plan, I had to deal with all of the things that I’d been repressing. It was hard. Harder than anything else I’ve ever done. I’ll be honest, it was a really dark couple of months. I had to really process things I’d been running from. I not only had to deal with what others had done, but my own limiting beliefs. I had to think through all of this as well as my own self sabotaging actions.

As hard as it was, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I don’t claim to be perfect or fully over the trauma I experienced. But I’m able to move forward with my life. I honestly feel free for the first time. That’s when things started to change in my body. I grew as a person. I became stronger than everything that had ever hurt me. I still deal with the shadows of my past and it’s an ongoing battle. But now I know that I’m capable of winning the battle.

There were a million plans I tried and failed at. I couldn’t move forward until I got very real with the person in the mirror. But when I did, when I finally tore off the bandaid, my entire life changed for the better. I’m able to see where I’m going and nothing will stop me. Life isn’t easy by any means, but I can keep pushing when life gets hard.

This is what I want you to do. You need to dig deep and find out why you’re allowing yourself to live a life any less than the one you’re fully capable and worthy of living. You deserve every bit of success and happiness that you desire and so much more. You’ve just got to believe in yourself enough to accept it. After that, you need to do something about it. Find out what’s holding you back, and then push forward.

Have you been able to confront your demons? What is it about your past, or even your present, that’s holding you back?

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