How can your healing actually benefit your kids?
What I hear from a lot of moms is that they don’t want their kids to see them weak. They don’t want their kids to see them collapsed on the floor or in a struggle. They want to be strong for their kids.
As mamas we want to make sure that our kids know that we can show up for them.
I 100% understand that this is what our kids need from us. But being ‘strong’ all the time isn’t what makes you a leader. In fact, being strong all the time and not letting them see your emotions can teach them that your emotions are not something that you show when you’re strong.
What we don’t realize is that by healing openly and allowing our kids to see us journal, process triggered moments and even collapse on the floor and then get back up, we’re teaching them what real emotional resilience is.
This is a lot more powerful and important than most people realize.
Our kids need us to model these behaviors so they know that they can do the same thing.
Chances are, we didn’t learn how to manage our emotions. We didn’t learn how to process through things or that it was even ok to communicate our feelings
People in our lives either told us that we weren’t allowed to or they modeled life in such a way that it lead us to believe that emotions just weren’t part of the picture.
Going even further, we may have been taught that having breakdowns made you weak. That emotional overwhelm and triggered behaviors were wrong. We were taught that it meant we were screwing up, too sensitive, not good enough.
So in order to be there for our kids, we have to work through those thoughts, feelings, and emotions on our own but I fully believe that we need to do so with an open door.
Absolutely there are things that your kids shouldn’t know and you’re certainly entitled to your private time in healing.
I recently wrote an ebook exactly about this topic. It teaches you how to have tough topics with your kids in a way that’s beneficial and not harmful.
Having these conversations is incredibly important, so if you’re ready to prepare for them, click here to grab my free ebook!
Your kids shouldn’t always see you in a constant state of despair and struggle.
That doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. It does mean that they need to see you be human. They should see you struggle and push through. They should see you fight to get the help you deserve. Whether that’s hiring a coach or going to therapy, whether it means going on a walk or sitting down to journal.
Whatever it is, they need to see you fall and then get back up.
Problems arise here when we rely on our kids to be the person to pick us back up. Now again, I’m not saying that our kids should never be supportive of us.
My son is the reason I’m still here. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. But it would be extremely selfish of me to pressure him to pick me up every time I’m stressed about bills or the voices in my head.
Letting your children see you heal is not the same as putting pressure on them to take care of you.
It’s your job to get back up when you fall.
But even if it takes you a minute to get back up, that’s okay.
My son knows that there are bad people in the world that did bad things to me that caused my brain to change how it sees things. We talk through my triggers a lot on a bare minimum basis. He has seen me have moments where I am doing just fine and the next thing you know, I’m bawling my eyes out at my desk.
It does worry him and he comes to check on me. But after a few minutes, I’m ok. He sees me process through and be ok.
He knows that I can handle the weight of my struggles AND support him in his.
My one job is to be there to support him
There was a time he didn’t want to share his big emotions with me because he was worried about me and thought I had too much going on. It killed me. There was this little boy who took it upon himself to carry the weight of his own trauma AND mine.
It should have never reached that point and I had to take responsibility for that.
Since then, we’ve had many open conversations about how things can be hard but that doesn’t mean I’m not there for him. He knows that he can come to me with anything and I’m going to be strong enough to hold space for him.
We still have a long way to go but we’ve come so far.
As moms we feel like we have to stuff everything deep down because we can’t stop. Our world revolves around our ability to show up and just keep going.
But it bleeds and leaks out in every area of our life. Something that I am extremely passionate about is not only healing your relationship with your kids, but helping you to feel and see that you are a good mom, and that you are raising your kids to be cycle breakers.
You’re not passing on the pain from generation to generation.
And you’re doing a damn good job.
Your healing is NOT selfish. Making your healing a priority makes you an AMAZING mom.
You’ve got this mama. You deserve it.