80: She got everything I wanted

A question I get all the time is, “She got everything I wanted. Why wasn’t I enough?”

This absolutely breaks my heart because I’ve been there and know what that feels like.

But first and foremost, take a deep breath. Remind yourself just how strong, capable, intelligent, and worthy you are.

This question is so difficult. Not because it’s difficult to answer, but because it’s difficult to believe the answer. Especially for survivors, our brains are wired to believe that we’re not good good enough as human beings let alone for the abuser we were with.

It has nothing to do with you.

You’re wondering what you could’ve done differently. You’re wondering if you just weren’t good enough for them. Maybe they weren’t all that bad and you just caused problems.

I know those thoughts all too well because I’ve been there.

But the fact of the matter is that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

When the abuser no longer gets what they want from you, they’ll go and get it somewhere else. Now this doesn’t mean that you weren’t enough, it’s because their desires are so skewed and selfish that they’ll never be satisfied.

But just like how you build tolerance to a drug and have to continually up the dose, the abuser needs the high they get from the new supply.

Abusers thrive on the negative energy they get from hurting you, whether physically or not.

So it may also be that they’re flaunting the new supply in front of you to get a reaction, to feel that they’re still in control.

Knowing this doesn’t make the situation any easier, but it does bring reason into the equation. When you plant the seed of logic in your brain and continue to water it, it will continue to grow. this is a crucial part of letting go.

Remember this

She isn’t any better than you or more worthy. She’s not more deserving, she’s just serving his selfish needs in the moment.

Think about the love bombing phase of the relationship. That’s when things seem far too good to be true. So it may be that that’s the part of their life that you’re witnessing. And while it looks pretty dang good from here, think about all the crap you had to go through after that phase was over.

Stop internet stalking

One of the hardest things to do is to not get sucked in on social media.

They’re going to post pictures and say things that hurt you. Don’t do that to yourself.

Let that block button become your best friend.

There’s no reason for them to be part of your life anymore, so block them on everything.

If you’re coparenting and you have to have some form of communication, keep that communication to texting and block them every where else.

Once you’re not seeing them together all the time, it gets easier to stop thinking about it.

Is it even true?

Take a step back and recognize what’s put out on social media, or even what it may look like, doesn’t mean that it’s the truth.

When I was in my abusive relationship, no one knew. I kept it all private. But on social media I would post pictures of us kissing and cuddling. I would tell the world just how amazing we were and how blessed I was to have him.

So don’t take what you see at face value. You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors.

While you may understand this on the surface, you may not fully believe it yet. And that’s ok.

What’s important is to recognize how you feel but don’t let your fear run away with your feelings.

Focus on what you do know. You know that you deserve better and you don’t want to go back to a situation like that. You want freedom. And that freedom is more important than any fleeting honeymoon moment.

You’ve got this, boo. This isn’t easy, but you’re so freaking strong. I know you can do it.

If this resonated with you and you’re ready to let go and finally live the life you deserve, then you should check out the Worthy of Recovery printable journal. Every day for 30 days you’ll complete a journal prompt and document your gratitude and your daily victories. Worried that you don’t have the time? Included with the journal is a course that teaches you how to journal your way to freedom in less than 15 minutes a day. As an added bonus, you also get over 45 printable affirmation cards. It has all the pieces that helped me on my recovery journey and I know it’ll help you, too. Click here to grab yours!

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