Episode 41: Accept Responsibility for your Healing

This is a live that I did on Instagram and Facebook that was really good.

What I talked about is accepting responsibility for your healing, and how in doing so your life will change. And it is not justification for what happened to you. This episode is one of the most important episodes I’ve ever done.

Because once you really internalize this concept, this is something that will change your life. It’s going to change your entire outlook.

What I wanted to talk about is accepting responsibility for your healing. This is something that I have found to be a very, very touchy subject.

I have found that a lot of women think that by accepting responsibility for your healing journey and for your growth, that you’re actually somehow justifying the abuse that you went through. And you’re saying that what happened was okay.

When that is just not the case. Hey, guys, in case you don’t know me, and this is your first time hanging out, my name is Karleigh Saunders and I’m going to be a recovery coach. I specialize in helping women recover from abusive relationships. So that way they can live the life that they are not only capable of living, but that you deserve to live. I’m really excited to hang out with y’all.

So what I’m going to talk to you about today is accepting responsibility for your journey, accepting responsibility for your growth, accepting responsibility for your own recovery. So something that you hear a lot in the personal development space, it’s something that you see, it’s one of those Pinterest quotes that like you put it on a board and you never look at it again. It’s your what happened to you is not your fault.

But healing is your responsibility. I know I butchered that. I don’t know why my brain is doing things, y’all, but we’re just gonna roll with it. But essentially, what that means is that you had no control over what happened to you. But unfortunately, even though it’s not there, even though it’s not right, healing is your job. Healing is your responsibility. Growth is your job. Recovery is your job. These are things that no one else could do for you.

Think about it this way.

And this is a really this really, this dumbs it down and I don’t want to be flippant, anyone who doesn’t know me, I have my own abuse story. I’ve been through this myself. So I am in no way minimizing or taking away from what you’ve been through. But if I punch you really hard in the arm, I can’t make it heal any faster.

Unfortunately, it’s your body’s job to heal from the bruise that I gave you, right?

It sucks. And that’s it seems really convoluted, but that’s how it works. If I punch you in the arm, it is your body’s job to heal the bruise. Is it your body’s fault that I punched, you know,

but it’s your body’s job to heal and recover. It then becomes your responsibility to try to

heal from that to recover from that to work through any trauma that happened from some random blue haired lady coming up and punching you in the arm really hard. I can’t. I can’t heal that for you. There’s nothing that I can do in order to make that heal faster.

And I’m going to say something that may get me some hate, for lack of a better word. But me apologizing to you for punching you

will not make the bruise heal any faster.

Me, not apologizing for punching you in the arm and leaving a bruise won’t make it heal any slower.

The only difference is that if you hold on to the fact that I punched you, and you refuse to move forward and heal until I say, Sorry, the only thing that the only thing that hurts is yourself. Now, this is all in relation to abuse recovery to trauma recovery. I see this time and time and time and time again.

So often, women do not want to accept responsibility for their healing and recovery, because they feel like that’s justification for what happened to them, or it somehow places blame on them. Now, as an abuse recovery survivor, I do not call myself a victim, I am never going to be a victim, again, as an abuse recovery survivor.

I’ve been through this. So I need you to understand I’m not preaching at you. I am coaching you through something that I’ve been through myself. I spent a long time stunting my own growth, stunting my own healing, sensing my own progress, because I was so hung up on. It’s not fair.

It shouldn’t be my job. That’s not right. I didn’t have any control over that. What do you mean, healing is my responsibility? Why are you saying that I have to heal from this, he should do it. But really, there’s nothing that anyone else can do. Until I decide that I’m going to heal, that I’m going to grow, that I’m going to be a better person.

accepting responsibility for your healing is in no way justifying what happened to you.

Accepting responsibility for your own recovery and moving forward is in no way saying that it was okay. saying that it was your fault, saying that you had a part in it. All it’s saying is that, okay, someone punched me in the arm and left a really nasty bruise.

What do I need to do to heal? What can I do to help my arm heal? What are things I need to eat, eat, what medications I can take, what’s something I can put on it doesn’t need ice doesn’t need he working through and finding out what I need to do to heal that bruise what you need to do to heal that bruise that I gave you from punching you in the arm.

That does not mean that what I did was okay. It doesn’t mean that me punching you in the arm was justified by any means.

It’s just saying, Okay, my body has to heal from this. What can I do to facilitate healing. That’s what recovery is, guys.

That is the thing that I refuse to accept for a very, very long time.

I was talking to a friend this morning. And I was talking about how this is not easy. What I do is not easy. I know what I do is important. And I love what I do. Because I will never ever, ever stop loving that moment when a woman snaps and she sees her not not like snaps like murdered somebody that was a really bad way to put that. But when you see that light bulb flick on, and you see that and all of a sudden, all the pieces come together and they connect. And they see their work. And they go oh my god, that wasn’t my fault. Oh my god, I do deserve better. Oh my gosh, I can do this and this and this.

I live for that moment. So I will never stop doing what I do. But it is not easy. I do what I do, because I’ve been through it. But by doing what I do, I think about talking about what I’ve been through, legitimately every single day, all the time, constantly. I talk about it on my podcast, I put on my blog, I talk about it with clients, I talk about it with people who messaged me on Instagram On Facebook all the time. And it gets hard. It’s hard and it is heavy.

But the thing that I realized I’m gonna back up a little bit. With all that being said with it not being easy. There’s some things that I’m still working through, and they’re right on the surface. And I can’t stop them down anymore because now I’m coaching women through it.

It’s right on the surface and it’s something that I have to make the choice to work through every single day. I am 27 years old, and I am working through things that were done to me. That happened to me

Back when I was a kid, I thought  working through these things was justification for what happened to me. No, it’s choosing to let go and move forward, justifying what happened to me knowing what working through these things gave me is freedom.

Working through these things taught me that I don’t have to live here. Working through these things taught me that this isn’t going to be the rest of my life.

It is not in any way justifying any of my abusers. It is in no way saying that it’s okay. What they did to me, it is in no way saying that it was my fault that I asked for it. It is in no way saying that it’s on me that it was all on me. All I did was said, Okay.

I had no choice. That choice was taken for me time, and time and time again. But guess what, I get to have my choice now. And I can choose to sit

in that victimhood. And I can choose to sit and constantly replay these things over and over and over and over in my head, or, or I can choose to find freedom, I can choose to do the hard thing and work through it. And let me tell you, it is not easy, I am not going to pretend and tell you that recovery is easy. If I can tell you that recovery was easy, I would be a millionaire, everyone would know my name. And it’d be done. But I can’t do that. And I don’t do that, because I’m not a liar. And because I’ve been through it. And if I tried to say that, I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face because y’all this shit is hard.

It is so hard.

But it’s also hard

to replay those moments every day. It is also hard to live with your triggers every single day. And it’s so hard to have someone talk to you and you don’t trust a single word they say because all you see is your abuser in the back of your mind letting you down.

So girl, what I through all of this rambling, what I’m trying to tell you,

is making a choice to heal. making the choice to recover, does not take away from your experience. what you’ve been through is valid, what you experienced was real. What you went through was not your fault.

But healing from that. As unfair as wrong as it is, is your responsibility.

And I know that that sucks. And I know that that’s really hard to hear. And I know it sounds like one of those cliche Pinterest quotes close. But girl Do not pin me on a Pinterest board and walk away. I need you to understand that healing and freedom is possible. And it’s yours. But you have to make the choice.

You have to make that decision. And I’m not going to sit here and act like it’s an easy decision to make. It is so hard. It is so hard to willingly face your demons. But the hard does not last forever.

Because yes, I’m going through stuff now. And I’m still working through it. But I don’t even recognize the person I was a year ago, I look back on the things that I’ve experienced. And I’m just like, Wow, it feels like I’m watching a movie. I want you to go back in, give myself a hug and give myself a pep talk and say girl, you don’t have to deal with that. You don’t have to put up with that. You don’t have to feel that way. You don’t have to be that way.

Now I am out here. I struggle with my body confidence for a lot of reasons. And I didn’t realize up until recently that a lot of those reasons had to do with the abuse that I went through for 10 years

and had so much to do with my lack of bodily autonomy. And I hated my body so much because I felt like I didn’t have a say over it.

And now I’m out here showing full on videos of myself with overalls with a double chin and flabby arms and my saggy gut hanging out. I’m sharing pictures and being vulnerable and sharing things that I never would have thought that I was sharing.

And this was only possible because I decided to choose healing. I decided to choose recovery, I decided that I wasn’t going to live there anymore.

I mentioned this earlier in the video briefly, but I want to cover it here. Someone else saying sorry, does not determine your recovery, it doesn’t determine the speed in which you recover.

And it doesn’t even always provide you the closure that you think you want.

If you spend the rest of your life saying, I will not heal until I get an apology, there’s a very good chance that you’re never going to heal.

The things that you’ve been through, the things that happened to you, the things that they did to you, you deserve an apology, do not get me wrong, that apology is well deserved. That apology is something you should have gotten that apology, it’s something that should have been given to you the moment that it happened. But I need you to hear me when I say that may never come.

And the reality is, is you don’t need it.

I tasted I’m sorry, four years, I chased the apology, the I’m sorry, the closure, gotta hate that word, the closure that I wanted, so bad, I chased it. And I said that, oh my gosh, if only I got an I’m sorry, I feel better.

If only I got a sorry, life wouldn’t be so hard. If only I would have gotten a sorry, this wouldn’t be so heavy.

But the reality is that my life has nothing to do with their lives.

My life is my responsibility.

And by waiting for an I’m sorry, by saying that I can’t heal until I get an apology from them, is giving them the control.

And they’re not even in my life anymore.

I let my abusers run my life for a very, very long time after they were out of it.

And a lot of it had to do with the fact that I really desperately wanted that. Sorry. I told myself I needed that sorry.

But that’s not true.

Why? Because you are capable of living your life, you are capable of taking your power back, you are capable of healing, because this is your life. And it’s your choice. You do not need the I’m sorry.

And I wish that I could give it to you.

I wish that I could say if they give you the sorry, then everything will be fixed.

But if they give you the sorry, then what?

I tell this to my son all the time. And this is why I’m really very, very passionate about not making my son say sorry, just for the sake of saying sorry.

Sorry without changing actions isn’t an apology, that’s just manipulation. It’s just pacifying, it’s just to get you to shut up. Most people who’ve experienced abuse can understand that.

Because they can hit you all day long. But the moment they say I’m sorry, you’re like, Oh, well, he apologized.

But that stuff messes with your brain.

And the apology, you can’t expect so you can’t change anyone else. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. I learned that the hard way. And I continued to learn that through the beginning of my coaching businesses here.

If it was possible to change people who so many women would be out so many women would know there weren’t so many women would be out there loving themselves and sharing it with the world.

But unfortunately, I can’t change you. You can’t change him, and “I’m sorry” will not change you and you will not change and grow and heal until you make the choice. And I know that’s a tough message to hear. And it really sucks to have to say this. But if I have learned absolutely nothing else, it’s that I have so much more power than I ever gave myself credit for.

I have so much more abilities than I ever gave myself credit for.

I’m really careful about how I talk about this relationship. But I see an ex of mine on a regular basis.

And I wanted that sorry.

I waited and I waited, and I waited. And he knew I was waiting. He knew I was waiting for it. And he would dangle the the possibility for an I’m sorry. And then the moment I was right where you wanted me, I was gone. But then once I realized, you know what? Yeah, power over me anymore.

So I don’t need that. I’m sorry, mind you. I didn’t say that. Please don’t, don’t start drawing off. It was like starting drama, I almost did that. That used to be me. So I’m preaching to me, I’m looking at myself in the camera, I’m talking to me.

I realized, I don’t need that I’m sorry. And I had my own girl up.

We’re using the hipster terminology. Now we’re doing we did, I did the whole go up thing.

And that was the best revenge I ever could have gotten. Because once I took my power back, and once I stopped waiting for the I’m sorry, once I took responsibility for my own recovery, for my own health, for my own well being, he lost all of his power, all of it.

And it was back in my court, because this is my life. Responsibility doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Responsibility doesn’t need to be this big, heavy burden. Responsibility is freedom. And responsibility is healing. Responsibility is opportunity, an opportunity that is there waiting for you, if and when you choose to take it. But you have to choose to take it.

I can’t choose for you. Your mom or your sister, your brother, your best friend, no one can choose for you. Only you can. And that’s a choice that you have to make.

And when you do that, realize that you’re not going to be alone.

As much as it pains my heart to say there are so many of us out here who have been through it. There’s so many of us out here who have experienced it.

So you are never as alone as you feel.

Never ever, ever forget that you are strong. You are capable. You are intelligent, and you are so dang worthy. All right. I love you so much and we’ll talk soon

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