We’re going to get a little ‘tough love’ today.
One of the biggest things I see on a regular basis is the constant self sabotage.
When we start to go outside of our comfort zone, our brain begins to panic. Why? Because our brains like to know what’s going to happen, they like to be in control. When you go outside of your comfort zone, that consistency and control disappears.
So often we can become so accustomed to the negative that we will quite literally ruin something good just so then we can say we were right.
Someone really close to me finally got into a relationship with someone that seems pretty awesome and that they enjoy. But they keep saying things like “there’s something wrong with them – it’s going too good. I know they’re going to break my heart, so I’m just going to brace for it.”
This simultaneously breaks my heart and frustrates the heck out of me.
It breaks my heart because it makes me so sad that they’re hurting this bad that they just expect it to go badly.
It frustrates me because it means that they’re going to self sabotage the situation to insure that they were right.
Our brains LOVE to be right and will generally go out it’s way in order to make sure that it’s right. So it will find ways to undermine the good and ruin things.
So how do you move past this?
You have to recognize how you’re going into it and why.
The first thing is to dig deep and figure out why you want this thing to go well in the first place, whether it’s a relationship, job opportunity, or anything good that may be happening.
You have to go into it with a plan to fight against the self sabotaging nature. When you have a solid why to lean into, you can use that to cut off those thoughts.
You also need to figure out why you don’t think it’s going to go well. Usually our default response is “things just never go well for me” or “every past relationship has ended badly so I may as well brace myself for this one to end badly.” That’s a very surface level reason as to why we expect the bad to happen.
Often it relates back to the fact that we don’t feel we deserve for it to go well. We don’t believe we’re worthy of it.
This is a whole different beast in and of itself and why I’m so passionate about coaching women. We don’t believe we’re worthy of good things so we ruin it before it even has a chance to go well.
Of course I’m going to recommend journaling on why, but start with the self talk.
Start telling yourself that you DESERVE a good relationship. That you’re WORTHY of this amazing opportunity.
But the important thing here is to disassociate your worth with the outcome.
Whether something goes well or not doesn’t change your worth. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re deserving. So just because a relationship goes badly, it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a good relationship. It means that that wasn’t the relationship for you. This is a critical distinction to make.
The longer we keep our worth wrapped up in what happens in life, the longer we’re going to remain lost and stuck in self sabotaging behaviors.
You will never be more worthy than you are right now. Period.
If you constantly find yourself self sabotaging, it’s time to figure out why. Once you know why, you know what to work through.