164: The Danger of Self Awareness

Self awareness can be dangerous.

Knowledge is powerful but it can lead us to believe that because we have the knowledge we’re now invincible.

When you learn about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, when you can recognize gaslighting, you begin to fall into a pattern of beating yourself up when you have a human reaction to those things.

“I knew he was gaslighting me – why did I let him get under my skin?”

“Oh my gosh I KNEW he was trying to manipulate the heck out of me and I let him.”

Knowing about the brain doesn’t make you immune to the brain.

Absolutely knowledge and self awareness is power. But when you’re so used to living in crisis mode, your brain is naturally going to look for things to weaponize.

The very thing that’s supposed to save you is the very thing turned against you by your brain.

Because your brain goes “Wait a second, praising ourselves doesn’t feel right.”

What’s comfortable is putting ourselves down. Not only is it so normalized, but it’s also the thing that keeps us out of that uncomfortable situation. If we can avoid that, we can avoid pain.

The brain wants to give old pain now so you don’t get new, unknown pain later.

It’ll then start spewing all sorts of nonsense at you about how you’re not good enough, you’re stupid and everything is your fault.

We have to remember that no matter how much knowledge we gain, we aren’t immune to the fact that we are human. We aren’t immune to our humanity.

Regardless of how much you know, how much you’ve healed, you’re a survivor.

When you’re a survivor, your brain is going to naturally lean into survival mode.

Healing doesn’t mean you never struggle and it doesn’t mean you don’t get caught up in it.

I’ve been out for almost five years and I still get caught up in this. I still react when I knew I shouldn’t and I still get caught beating myself up.

You need to understand that not a single person is expecting you to be perfect, not even the one that told you they wanted you perfect. They placed those demands on you because they knew you couldn’t meet them. You would constantly strive for it and miss the mark which gave them the fuel to keep going after you.

The only person expecting you to be perfect is you.

When you chase perfection, you’re choosing to live a perfectly miserable life.

We are reaching a point in society today where we weaponize our victimization and use it as an excuse not to heal.

I’ve done this, too. I’m not saying that victims are just supposed to bounce back.

What I am saying is that we have to make an active choice to heal, that we’re not going to live in our victimization anymore.

Victim is a powerful word because we need to understand that there are VICTIMS of abuse and PERPETRATORS of abuse. Without powerful language people won’t be held responsible.

But that doesn’t mean we need to live in that victimization.

We have to train our brain to stop accepting that just because we are a victim we have to stay there.

You’ve come a long way and you don’t even give yourself credit. You’re out here beating yourself up because you unblocked a phone number or lashed up.

When you beat yourself up what you’re really doing is taking acid and pouring it all over your head expecting it to affect the person who hurt you.

And boo – you deserve better.

If you keep opening the wound you’re never going to get anywhere. If you keep tearing it open, you can’t expect it to heal.

This takes time, work and effort.

But if the only thing you do today is make the decision to do the work then you’re already making progress.

You need to know that you’re worthy of feeling that freedom.

I know you’re sitting there saying that it’s great for me, it’s great for her, but it’s not for you. You’re not good enough.

You think you’re too far gone, you’ve made too many mistakes, you’ve lashed out too many times and you’re done.

You deserve it. Period.

You are worthy of it simply because you exist. It hurts my soul to know that you believe you’re not.

I’m working on this daily, to remind myself of my worth, to fight against the voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough.

Understand that I’m not someone stand out or special. I’m a normal human on her own healing journey and fighting to believe that she’s as amazing as she knows she is.

I am a person who chooses to fight for herself everyday.

You deserve to fight for you.

We live in a world that is rapidly becoming so self absorbed and if you don’t stand up for you, no one else will.

Absolutely be self aware, learn the things, learn about yourself, learn how to fight back. But also know that you’re human and give yourself grace for that.

You are incredible and wonderful and deserve to know how to heal while giving yourself the space to do so.

If you need someone to hype you up or if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out to me on Instagram – my DMs are always open.

I’m here for you, boo!

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