160: Sex After Abuse

Let’s get real about sex.

First off: do whatever you want with your body. If you’re doing something and you’re enjoying it, get it, boo! I ain’t judging.

What I’m going to address specifically is the woman who is having sex because she feels obligated to or because she feels that’s the only way she ever gets love.

I’ve been both and it tore me up inside.

There aren’t enough people being truly honest and open about how sex affects our lives and the impact it can leave. This is especially so when we’ve experienced abuse, particularly if we’ve been sexually assaulted.

When our body has been violated, it shifts our relationship with it.

In my own life I realized I was hooking up with this person and yes, it feels good. Sex is designed to feel good. He was one of my best friends so it was good. But the moment that everything was said and done and he left, I was heartbroken. I was incredibly lonely and felt so used.

It was 100% consensual and I would initiate. In these moments I’m not talking about assault, I’m talking about those moments where I so desperately wanted love and connection. I wanted to feel like I mattered and how I achieved that feeling was through sex.

When you are in a healthy relationship, sex most definitely will bring you closer together – that’s what it’s designed for.

Sex is a very intimate, vulnerable act. We’ve gotten to this end of not taking it seriously at all. This leads us to turn to sex to get what our subconscious desperately wants and needs.

Sex is seen as something that you just do, it’s no big deal. It’s no wonder we can be easily pressured into situations we don’t want.

We also tell ourselves we want something, even if we don’t.

When you’re dating, you’re told that by the third date you should be hooking up. That you’ve waited long enough.

So that means three dates in, you’ve known this person for a week, three weeks max, and you’re about to put yourself in the most vulnerable position possible.

When you have sex with someone, there’s more trust involved than we realize.

We’re trusting that person to keep our body safe, to listen to our limits, to not push past our boundaries. We trust them not to treat us like shit after all this.

Yet we act like sex is no big deal.

Yes, sex feels good but it wasn’t the fulfilling experience we wanted and hoped for.

Regardless of the genders of the people, regardless of who is the one more nervous in the situation, there’s a lot of vulnerability from both people.

Problems arise when one side wants power and they take advantage of someone’s body.

It also becomes a problem when we don’t know how to get what we truly want. We’ve been told that sex is just this thing that we’re supposed to do.

It leads us into situations where we feel like we’re broken. We don’t understand why sex doesn’t feel good. We don’t get why we can’t do hook ups, we don’t fit in, like we’re going to be single forever if we wait to have sex.

That person I used to sleep with moved away and we’re no longer a thing. We’ve drawn boundaries, very strict boundaries. I know that I can’t do this anymore.

Now that I’ve gone this long without it, it became clear how often my brain turned to sex.

The moment I’m lonely my brain wants me to text him, send him something sexy.

This is because right now I’m lonely. I’ve associated sex with filling that void of loneliness.

But I also want to feel like I have power and control. With a simple picture I can turn someone on and they’re going to be thinking about me all day. Honestly, that feels good.

But it’s created an unhealthy relationship between me and sex because now I’m linking sex to power and control and filling the void of loneliness.

It leads me to feeling broken, sad, lonely and used, even when it was my idea.

This has also become such a hot button topic that we can’t openly talk to our girlfriends about it.

If we talk about it we’re told to get a rebound. The best way to get over one guy is to get under another one.

If guys talk about this they’re told they’re not man enough and to just go get laid.

So we all just end up not talking about it.

Because we don’t talk about it, we feel incredibly alone which only perpetuates the cycle.

After multiple conversations with friends, creators, students, clients, and customers. You’re not alone.

But no one wants to admit it.

We’re told that women who sleep with people are sluts but if they don’t they’re prudes. If men sleep with women they’re true men but if they don’t they’re wasting potential.

Then there’s the fact that sex alters our brain, especially when we’re young.

When I was a child my body was violated and it led my brain to believe that love was found in giving my body away. It was the only thing I had to offer.

So for the longest time, that’s how I acted.

I was also pumped full of the message that sex before marriage is wrong and if you do it you’re going to go to hell. It’s the absolute worst thing you can do. 

Side note: not crapping on believers, here. I do believe in God but I also know this message is harmful and wrong.

Because it had already happened before I was even given the information, I assumed I was hell bound and the absolute scum of the earth.

I carried the weight of how sick, dirty and worthless I was.

This message of “you’re already used goods, no one will ever want you” tore me apart from the inside out.

But if I never did it, I’d never get love. My brain was incredibly confused.

Up until a couple of years ago, I never enjoyed sex and it was always uncomfortable.

When I got out of these toxic relationships, I realized I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else but I was desperate for love so I fell right back into the cycle.

When I tried to communicate, I was treated like I hurt their feelings.

So I went right back into the cycle of sex being all about guilt and shame and it felt wrong to actually enjoy it.

Once I finally busted myself out of that and found out that it could feel good, I was like YES I want this all the time!

The problem is that while yes, it felt good physically, it left me feeling pretty empty emotionally.

After being threatened by someone I truly cared about and trusted, I decided never again would I allow myself to be in that situation.

I’m a whole woman and I don’t need sex. I don’t need someone who’s going to treat me like an item.

I needed to figure out where my life is going and what I really want.

Reconnecting with an old friend was great, but it was once again a physical, chemical connection with no desire for more.

So why was I sleeping with him? It definitely felt good, but I desperately wanted real love and intimacy. I wanted to feel like I mattered without risking getting hurt.

It was incredibly selfish – I wanted this person to want me all the time. I fell into this F-boy mindset that I absolutely couldn’t stand.

Finally I took a step back and decided to work on myself without anyone distracting me.

I don’t want to be someone using someone else to give me something. I want to set firm boundaries that allow me to truly live the way I want to.

Realizing that I never felt real love hurt more than I thought it would.

I’ve experienced all of the heartache, frustration, and pain without every experiencing love.

We have to stop acting like sex is no big deal. The idea that it’s ‘no big deal’ is what leads people to think they use others as objects.

Sex IS a big deal.

If you can’t trust someone with your life, how can you trust them with your body?

We need to come back to ourselves for a minute and ask why we’re doing what we’re doing.

Are we having sex because it feels good? Are we having sex because we want to, because we feel obligated to? Is it because we’re lonely or because we want love and it’s the only way to do it?

Whatever the answer is, let it guide you to the next decision.

If you’re enjoying what you’re doing, get it, boo! But if you’re doing something for any other reason than you truly, deep down want to, it’s time to call yourself out.

You deserve better, boo. If you need to talk or want to share how you feel about this, feel free to DM me on Instagram!

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