139: Learning to Open Up

I want to be real here and be vulnerable here may come and bite me in the butt. But you know what I know someone needs this.

For most of my life, I needed attention from men. And when I say need, I’m not talking about some funny sitcom where the woman is desperately single. No, I mean, from the time that I was like seven years old, I was obsessed with getting validation and attention from men. If a man was nice to me, I obsessed over it. It didn’t matter if they were my age, or if they were in their 60s, if someone smiled my way and they happen to to look like a man, I wanted their attention.

I needed their validation, I could not function without it. I obsessed over it.

I’m talking about literally creating full-on-situations-in-my-brain obsessed with it.

I understand that this stems from what happened to me as a child. As I begin to process through that, these things made sense. But it doesn’t change the fact that I desperately needed this attention.

It consumed every thought of mine.

Now I’m 28 years old and have been on this healing journey for several years now.

“I really am worthy” is part of my daily vocabulary.

“Heck yes I’m the dang prize. I deserve SO much better. Not everyone deserves my energy. And yes, he is FINE but he’s an asshole and I’m not giving him my energy.”

Now that I’m on this side of it. Oh, I kind of went to the other extreme, I truly didn’t want any attention. I didn’t want to have anyone in my life again.

I never even wanted to consider sharing pieces of my life with another human being.

It’s me and my son. Right now that’s all I have to consider. I like it that way.

The idea of sharing my life with another human, as fulfilling as it may be, sounds like so much work. It sounds like a lot of sacrifice. What’s been on my mind a lot lately is the fact that that’s not healthy either. Extremes rarely are.

Even if I’m totally okay in my singleness right now, it isn’t healthy to keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s not good for me.

If I never opened myself up to the possibility of caring, I won’t ever be able to learn how to function with another human romantic or otherwise.

If I never lift the five pound weight, I’m never gonna be able to lift the 100 pound weight.

I’m never going to get to the end goal. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling scared to do these things because I can’t strengthen my skill if I never put it to the test.

This is something I am actively working through, and I’m trying to figure out how I want to approach it. To be completely honest, I’m not sure how yet. I don’t know what that’s gonna look like for me. I don’t know how to make that fit into my life.

The reality is that my life is so busy that I don’t know how to work someone else into it.

But I need to ask myself: is my business the REASON why I can’t, or is my business the EXCUSE why I can’t.

I am terrified of losing all of the effort that I have put in over the last several years. For the first time in my life, I’m finally myself. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m the person looking back at me.

For the first time in my life, I’m not pretending to be something that I’m not. I’m not chasing what somebody else wants me to be.

For the first time, I’m me.

I’m terrified of losing that. Because in the past, I would always morph into what someone else wanted me to be. I never was my authentic self.

I wonder if I do open myself up, am I going to lose that? I don’t know how to be myself with someone else. I don’t know how to experience a life where I am 100% me while also sharing my life with another human.

This is completely new for me and I’m a bit lost.

And I think that’s okay.

I think it’s completely okay to be where I’m at right now where I’m feeling a little bit lost. Because before, I didn’t even know that there was a map. Before, I didn’t even know there was a way out of the woods.

I think recognizing that I’m lost means that I see that there’s a way out. That means eventually it’s possible to find my path, which means it’s possible to get out of the woods, which means it’s possible for me to finally see the light of day again.

I think that’s really freaking cool.

If you relate to this and you’re currently feeling lost, that’s a good thing.

Celebrate your awareness.

Now that you recognize that you’re lost, it means it means that you’re off the path, which means that the path exists. And if the path exists, that means there’s a way out of the woods.

And that means there’s a reality, that’s so much brighter than we even thought possible.

Thank you for holding the space for me. Thank you for allowing me to be my authentic self with you.

If this resonated with you, I’d love it if you’d send me a DM on Instagram or Twitter.

I am honored to hold the space for you as well. So please feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

Because sometimes, just letting it out can give you the answer that you didn’t even realize you needed.

More than anything, I want you to know that if this is your reality right now, that doesn’t mean it has to be a reality forever.

You have the power to change it and you have the power to heal and you have the power to get back on the path and find that light. I know it.

You’ve got this!

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