115: Do THIS before Dating Again

A question I get a lot is:

I got out of the relationship – when do I start dating again? Is it ok to start dating? What do I even do?!

Aside from setting and keeping boundaries (check out this series I did on YouTube), is getting very clear on three things.

Your wants.
Your needs.
Your dealbreakers.

As survivors, our brain has been altered to the point of not being able to clearly see or even call out red flags that come up. This also leads to the point that we have been taught that these three things make others uncomfortable. And it they make others uncomfortable, then it usually ends in a bad situation for us.

Heck, we may even believe that we’re not allowed to have these things.

Here’s a truth bomb for you.

You’re allowed to have wants, needs and dealbreakers.

In fact, you should have wants, needs and dealbreakers.

I recognize that it is so much easier said than done. It’s going to take time for our brain to fully process that.

So what are wants, needs, and dealbreakers anyway?


A want is something that you desire within a relationship. If you had it your way, this is exactly what you want within a relationship.

Example: I am extremely nerdy. I love Star Wars, anime, video games, and comic books. I want someone who matches that. In fact, I truly want someone that out-nerds me. I don’t know a lot about the Star Wars lore outside of the main movies and I love to listen to people talk about it. I find it so freaking attractive.


A need is not quite as broad as your wants. Still hits the mark, but maybe isn’t quite as strong.

Example: Even if they can’t out-nerd me, I need someone willing to have Star Wars marathons on the weekends. I need someone who wants to play video games with me and makes random nerdy comments.


This is the absolute bear minimum that you will tolerate. You can’t go beyond that because this is the absolute bear minimum you’ll allow.

Example: They may not be down to watch My Hero Academia with me or even play video games. But my absolute deal breaker is when they don’t like Star Wars. I don’t understand this level of psychosis. Star Wars is such an integral part of my life, someone who didn’t like it wouldn’t fit.

Make sense?

I understand that my nerdiness is definitely an oversimplication of this concept, but it can be applied anywhere. Your beliefs, likes and dislikes, politics, whatever you have a strong opinion about that affects your life and be apart of these. Heck, even if it’s not a strong opinion but just super important to you, this can be applied.

Before even opening up the dating app, get very clear on these. They’re going to help guide you and tell you who you should give your time to.

If someone already has one of your deal breakers, that saves you so much time because they’re not the person for you.

So, I’d love to know in the comments – what is one of your wants/needs/dealbreakers?

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