79: Why do I keep going back?

Have you ever been so frustrated with yourself because you keep going back to the person who has hurt you but you can’t seem to stop?

You’re not alone.

I’ve heard from so many women that they struggle with this, too. They’re so frustrated because they feel like they know better. They’re too logical to let this keep happening and yet they do it anyway.

When you’re in a traumatic relationship, whether you’d label it as abusive or not, your brain is physically altered. Your brain chemistry and how it responds to things changes. That doesn’t mean all hope is lost, but it does mean that I want you to give yourself grace.

First things first: grace.

Grace is especially important as you’re on your recovery. Unfortunately, this journey isn’t linear. You’ll catch yourself going 30 steps forward and 25 steps back. While you’ll feel discouraged when you fall back, it’s important to remember that you still made it five steps forward. That’s progress.

It’s incredibly difficult, but letting yourself move forward without getting stuck beating yourself up. You don’t have to wallow in guilt in order to make progress.

Don’t weaponize grace

With all this information in hand, it quickly became a self sabotaging weapon. I would say things like, “well, I need to give myself grace. So it’s ok if I screw up.”

I weaponized grace by shooting myself in the foot every time I went back to the person who kept hurting me.

This held me back from making progress for a long time. Don’t do that.

Don’t beat yourself up when life happens. But also don’t allow yourself to continue to knowingly do things that you know are hurting you.

Give yourself grace while also calling yourself out when you catch yourself about to do something you know you shouldn’t.

The Trauma Bond is Real

A trauma bond is the connection your brain has with your abuser. Your brain chemistry has actually been altered so you’re basically addicted to this person. For more detailed info on trauma bonds, read this.

How did you get here?

In these situations, we’re majorly lacking a strong sense of self worth.

Devaluation is a major part of the abuser’s strategy. They poke and prod at your self confidence until you don’t believe you’re worth much, if anything, at all.

They do this because the less worth you feel you have, the more power they get. If you recognize your worth, you wouldn’t stick around. So if they can get you to believe that you’re not deserving of better, then they can keep you attached to them.

Once you reach this point where you’re in a trauma bonded state, you truly feel like you’re nothing without the abuser. Breaking that bond is difficult but not impossible. Check out this post to get started.

Breaking that bond is the best thing you can do for yourself. It won’t solve all your problems, but it will make life infinitely easier.

What can you do today to keep from going back?

First, give yourself grace while still holding yourself accountable like mentioned earlier.

Second, begin focusing on building up your confidence. By truly committing to this part of your journey, your self worth will grow. This will help you to know what you deserve and what you won’t tolerate. This will make it easier for you to fight the urge to go back.

If you want to make confidence building your priority, check out my free confidence course! This free five day course gives you everything you need to finally feel like strong, confident woman you are. Click here to check it out!

Block the number

The next step is to minimize any chance of communication. Go through (without getting sucked in) and block them on all social media and the number on your phone. If you need to, have a friend do it.

But there’s an important step that you have to maintain after this:

Keep them blocked.

As easy as it is to block someone, it’s even easier to unblock them when you’re feeling lonely. Don’t do that.

I know it’s easier said than done, but create a system. Celebrate every day that you keep them blocked. Take a moment each day to be proud of yourself for not unblocking the number.

While it may not feel like something to celebrate, this will make it easier later on when it gets harder and harder not to reach out to them.

Create a community

Have people you can reach out to when you’re feeling like reaching out to that person.

I have a couple of people I reach out to when I feel like making a not so smart decision. I’ll send them the message I was planning on sending to the dude I wanted to unblock. This helps get it out of my system without actually reaching out to him.

Whether your community is in person, over the phone, or on social media, it doesn’t matter. Just find a person or people that understand what you’re going through so they can support you when you’re feeling low.

You’re more than welcome to blow up my DMs if you need some accountability! Message me on Instagram and I’ll hold you to it!

For more ideas on how to stop yourself from going back, make sure to click the bar above and listen to the full episode.

Remember, boo – you deserve so much more. If it doesn’t make you incredibly happy when you’re in the middle of it and when it’s over, then it doesn’t deserve a place in your life.

You’ve got this, boo!

If this resonated with you and you’re ready to take your power back, then you should check out the Worthy of Recovery printable journal. Every day for 30 days you’ll complete a journal prompt and document your gratitude and your daily victories. Worried that you don’t have the time? Included with the journal is a course that teaches you how to journal your way to freedom in less than 15 minutes a day. As an added bonus, you also get over 45 printable affirmation cards. It has all the pieces that helped me on my recovery journey and I know it’ll help you, too. Click here to grab yours!

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